Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
