he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
