i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
