I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
