Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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