it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
