If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
