Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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