i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
be right there i have to get my cape
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
