Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
