guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
