Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
