they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
