Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
