I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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