bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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