wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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