Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
