that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
this is an emotional support booty call
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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