I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
i out mim tonsoeep
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
