mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
