He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
