Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
