So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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