I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You can't just leave with hair like that
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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