Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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