Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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