you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
