mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
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