Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Randomize
