Where did you get a picture of my penis
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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