I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Randomize
