My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
