It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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