i think my tv is drunk
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
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