Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
