Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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