Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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