I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
