Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
