Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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