Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
