we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
