I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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