Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
