Pants 0. Shit 1.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
