I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
