from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
