we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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