In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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